Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
