I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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