woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
