Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Randomize
