Plan B is the new Plan A
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
