Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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