I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
