dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
