i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
