so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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