Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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