Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
birth control should be required to get into college
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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