His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
