you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
