OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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