you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
