Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
