The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
