my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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