he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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