I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
