I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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