I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
