Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
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security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
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Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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