new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
