That's intense
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
