I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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