can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
FUCK WHALES
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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