just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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