Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
