my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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