he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
