Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
