Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
