Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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