from now on my penis is your penis
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
