my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
