.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
