Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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