I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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