you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
