i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
