Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
