Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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