don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
