My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
