I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
