Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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