he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
