I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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