girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
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he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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