Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
