genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
