Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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