I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
