Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
