there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
