I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
