Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
