she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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