There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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