Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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