Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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