thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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