I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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