You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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