I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i came on her dog
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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